The New Year’s Eve Nags: Revenge of Aunt Betty

by JESSICA HOLLAN
Assistant editor

​New Year’s Eve: a stress-free holiday meant for nothing more than throwing a party to ring in the New Year. Yet you managed to get roped into going to your mom’s for New Year’s Eve, which means (you guessed it!) another night attempting to dodge Aunt Betty and her annoyingly condescending remarks. But you and I both know you won’t be able to avoid her all night, especially since she is on a mission to guilt you since you haven’t come to the family events since last Christmas. Therefore, I have put it upon myself to help you out and offer up some hints as what to say when she comes barging through the front door, wanting to know all about your lucrative prostitution business, that private island your billionaire fiancé bought you, and exactly WHY hasn’t she received her ‘save the date’ yet. You’re welcome.

1. What was it like, vacationing in the Bahamas, leaving your entire family behind for the holiday season? I heard your mother cried for days when she found out you weren’t coming to Christmas dinner!
   1. Really nice, actually, Aunt Betty! Thank you so much for asking! I have a lot of pictures from the trip; would you like to see them? They’re mostly selfies of me, having fun and being in the warm sun and swimming with dolphins and not being miserable here in freezing temperatures, but I still think they’re worth a look-see. I am just absolutely sure you’d love them… Aunt Betty? Aunt Betty, where are you going? COME BACK. I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY DOLPHIN SELFIES!
   2. Oh, she cried only because without me here, she was left alone to deal with you, Aunt Betty. I MEAN, YEAH. She was real heartbroken about that. Super, super sad. Real tragedy. Truly.
   3. No, Aunt Betty! You got it all wrong! She was crying only because in my fiancé’s family, it’s customary to gift the parents of your bride with five million dollars as a thank you for allowing us to wed. She was just SO happy to receive the money, she cried, especially since it meant she can move far away from here and never have to host any holidays ever again!
2. I bet your fiancé doesn’t approve of your dirty dorm room business, selling your roommate’s bodies for money.
   1. Um, how do you think he became a billionaire?
   2. He knows it was really just an undercover assignment. You know, for my job. As an undercover agent for the CIA. The Central Intelligence Agency. The one in charge of protecting all of America’s citizens. Maybe you should look into sending a couple thank you notes to the people thwarting evil and saving your life on a daily basis, Aunt Betty.
   3. Perhaps, but he doesn’t disapprove of me any more than the rest of us do when it comes to my dear old brother. Did you know there is a warrant out for his arrest? Embezzlement. Like, wow, where did our parents go wrong with him? We are all just SO lucky I turned out so amazing. My own prostitution business, a billionaire fiancé, a job in the CIA. The American Dream right there, Aunt Betty.
3. So why isn’t this fiancé of yours here tonight? I mean, does he even really exist?
   1. He’s… dead. *sniffle sniffle* My gosh, Aunt Betty, how could you be SO INSENSITIVE!?
   2. He’s busy off making another couple billion. I told him I love Paris, so he is going to buy me the Eiffel Tower! Isn’t he just SO romantic?
   3. He’s in the bathroom right now. Actually, he has been in there quite a while. Nobody warned him about your STELLAR fruitcake, Aunt Betty.
4. You might want to ease up on those hors d'oeuvres, dearie. Hate for you to gain weight right before the wedding. Speaking of which, my ‘save the date’ must have gotten lost in the mail.
   1. Don’t you worry about me and my wedding dress! I’m one of those people who can just eat and eat and never gain weight. I must have inherited Mom’s metabolism instead of yours. Ain’t that lucky, Aunt Betty?
   2. You’re right. I should stick to a liquid diet just like you! Another glass of champagne, Aunt Betty?
   3. Real pity… you’re like the billionth person at this family gathering who had their invite lost in the mail. I wonder what that’s all about.
5. So what’s your New Year’s resolution?
   1. To become a CIA agent and marry a billionaire. OH WAIT.
   2. That my best friend Angel, the stripper, finally gets that three-part movie deal set in 1980 based on a 15-year-old prostitute-turned-cop. I think she’d be great for the part.
   3. To be more like you, Aunt Betty. Happy New Year.