'TU, What's Good?' on high fashion

​Where can I buy a nice lobster shirt for my workplace? I'm an intern and I believe what will motivate me to go above and beyond at my job is a nice lobster button down shirt. Any suggestions?
​– (Lobster) Shirtless

Dear Shirtless,

​Let me start by telling you that I’m the master of ugly printed shirts.
 
A few weeks before my own internship started this summer, I was told that the office environment was business casual… and I realized that I had one button-down shirt that I wore to a funeral and a pair of khakis that were two sizes too big. That was a problem.
 
In response, I spent a day with my friend, buying the ugliest shirts we could find in fast-fashion stores and the clearance boxes that Express throws out in the mall hallway for us poor people to dig through like animals. I purchased shirts with every design you could think of: flowers, paper airplanes, pelicans, more flowers, diamonds… and as your luck may have it, lobsters.
 
Now, I bought my lobster-emblazoned shirt from Kohl’s, the motherland of moms with “can I speak to the manager?” haircuts who will kill (literally) for 30 percent off of an inflated price. But that was a few months ago, and it was already on the clearance rack then. So that may be a false lead, especially since the summer season is over and most stores have switched their stock from ugly casual button-downs to ugly sweaters (another one of my fashion passions, might I add).
 
You might want to check eBay or clearance racks at Kohl’s. You never know; there might be one still there!
 
I will offer you a word of advice, though: that lobster shirt can do either great or terrible things for you.
 
When I wore it to my internship, where I sat behind a computer for the good part of 10 hours a day, it really did help me achieve greater things. There’s a special power in a gaudy print. I was happier and more productive, hands down. And people loved it – and all of my other prints! I was all but expected to wear ugly prints every day. (I spiced it up with a few solid colors to keep my co-workers on their toes, of course.)
 
However, when I wore the blessed lobster shirt to wait tables, the results were not so great. You see, the establishment at which I serve does not include lobster on its menu, and a snotty customer was quick to point out that I should have worn a hamburger shirt instead.
 
I felt chastised and betrayed. After my co-workers at the internship site had given me such high marks for that shirt and I felt like a hyper-productive member of society in it, this incident made the “wop-wop-wop-wop-waaaaaaaah” noise from The Price is Right ring through my head. My lobster shirt had failed me. I was more outwardly devastated than Kim Kardashian was when she lost her earring in the ocean.
 
So don’t let that happen to you. Respect the powers of your new lobster shirt and wear it with caution for optimal results.
 
Best of luck on your search!
A Tystenangel

P.S. – You forgot to ask "TU, what's good?" We'll let it slide this time...